I love it how The Feemster will make rules for a fight.  Some people are just savages when they fight, but The Feemster is a gentleman through and through.  If I were going to get in a fight, I would totally make rules too, like “no hitting me in the face because it hurts”.  In a fight without rules, someone might end up with a bloody nose or a fat lip, and The Feemster doesn’t want that to happen to him.  The Feemster really knows how to handle himself.

One time I was totally having chick problems.  Like, there is a girl named Allison in my biology class.  She totally knows everything about endoplasmic rectilium and everything!  She is so hot!  But I don’t really know to score chicks.  But luckily for me, my best friend is The Feemster!  And he knows everything about women!  He told me how last summer he totally rounded second with this girl named Lisa Shiffle at Camp Tomsawk down by the canoe docks.  He said he could have gotten to third, but it was “the wrong time of the month” or something.  I don’t know what that means but The Feemster says it is when a girl bleeds out of her vagina.  Ugh!  What is that all about?  And how does The Feemster know all this stuff?  Man, he is wise beyond his years.  It’s kind of weird though, because sometimes when I hang out at The Feemster’s house he will say that it’s “that time of the month” for his mom, but I always thought that had something to do with her being all drunk and in her bathrobe carrying around that bottle of Popov vodka.  Well, like The Feemster always says, “Women, ya cant live with ‘em, ya cant live without ‘em!”  LOL!  Man, The Feemster is a piece of work!  How does he come up with this stuff?!  Anyway, I am getting sidetracked.  So The Feemster is going to help me out with Allison.  He said that I need to do a bunch of pushups to get “a good pump”.  Then, while I am still all pumped up, I need to go up to here and say, “Hey babe, what’s up?”  But here is the important part, I have to keep flexing the whole time.  Chicks love that he says.  Also, if I can get Allison to touch me for any reason, I should make sure I am flexing when she touches me.  That way she knows I am totally buff!  With Justin Feemster’s help, Allison is definitely going to be my girl!  I am posting a picture of The Feemster below so everyone can learn from his style:

He says he likes to put on his headphones and flex in front of the mirror while the rockin’ style of Trapt massages his mind.  He says that he can totally achieve something called “Zen” this way.  That is another thing about The Feemster that seriously rocks… he is totally into all sorts of oriental stuff.  Like, he is going to get one of those Yin Yang symbols tattooed on his bicep when his mom stops being such a meanie and gives him a ride to the mall tattoo store.  Plus, when we get a ride from my older brother down to the big mall in Canton and we eat at the Panda Express there, he totally uses chopsticks and almost never drops anything out of them!  He is so cultured!  He says that someday he is going to get out of this little Podunk Ohio town and move to a really exciting, exotic city like Cincinnati!  Man, I hope he takes me with him, but I don’t know if he will.  He says that I cramp his smooth style with the ladies.  Like one time I was standing with him in front of the school after last bell when Megan Knoff walked over.  Justin tried to say something but then some snot came out of his nose because he is allergic to the sun and Megan screamed and ran away.  Then Justin punched me in the arm and said that it was my fault and that I cramp his style, which is probably true.  I thought he was gonna keep punching me in the arm, but then he started picking at a zit on his nose and then licking his finger which I thought was kind of gross but he seems to calm down when he does that so I didn’t mind… I mean, watching him eat his zit filling beat getting punched in the arm.

On Justin Feemster’s birthday every year his mommy gives him a cupcake!  Well, sometimes his mom forgets and is a couple days late, but life has been tough on her since her brother died in that meth lab explosion a year ago.  My dad says that is why she “turned to the bottle.”  I don’t know what that means, but I think it has something to do with that grocery cart full of empty bottles she pushes up and down the street.  She finds empty bottles in neighbors’ trashcans and collects them for some reason.